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Uncertainty of life, certainty of self

February 7, 2019

How do I remember to write every single day??

I did miss feeling this smooth keyboard and this crisp screen. Now, my experience is much more enjoyable with my long, red whore nails. 

I have been even more sad than I wrote last few days. I really cried, suffered and moaned. The quality and the content of my daily life have decreased accordingly. I felt I lost the drive to keep up with my schedule, I couldn’t lift, I only did spinning or yoga… and not even yoga.. mostly just laying in a position while I ruminated the same sad thoughts and feelings.

I have decided the other night that its time to stop grieving and being sad. Yesterday it worked, I was better. Today with this lack of sleep, I am bit down again. Meditated more today. It feels good. 

Taking easy.

I get anxious. I get worried. Uncertainty frightens me sometimes. Not knowing what will I do in the future, in terms of money… in terms of content. Writing this, I do know that I am ok for a while. But I do worry: how will my life be in 10 years?

I worry, and I wonder. And in the same time I feel I am pretty responsible when it comes to my life with everything around it. I do educate myself.

I worry and then I comfort myself. I pet myself on the back.

The truth is I have no clue how I will make the extra cash I want monthly. The truth is I have no clue how to have a relationship again. The truth is I have no clue how to handle teenagers or where to take them for holidays. The truth is I have no clue how will I be able to exercise just home if I don’t renew my gym membership. Nor do I have a clue how will I meet new people and make new friends again.

I have no clue how or when or where I will be doing all of this.

But I do know I will find a way. That I will be helped or supported somehow (i always was). I do know somehow things will magically arrange themselves to my benefit. And other things will fall apart or change also to my benefit. I do know that always but always things work out for me. 

I have no clue how to make the extra cash, but somehow I will figure it out.

I have no clue how will I travel again, but somehow I always end up travelling.

I have no idea where or how will I meet a guy, but I always end up meeting someone.

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