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Sweet pain, I need you

February 15, 2019

Time waster: talking on the phone. 

Solution: turning my phone on silent when I engage in the activities I practice.

So this writing thing so far is more like journaling. It does help to dump all the anxiety. 

Solution: start my day with the follow up voice recordings. To remember what my perception of my life should be and what I chose it to be: I did create this life and it is what I enjoy and want to do. Too much of a good thing is not enjoyable. Quantity affects quality. Take out the pressure of checking all the boxes on my score board and take time to enjoy what I am doing.

Just as I am writing now, my attention drifts off to what I have to do – what I want to do, so I better write it down. 

So I did. Phone on silent. Waiting patiently for my attention to shift all the way to writing. Because my mind is still wandering off to logistics for the skiing trip, or the malaga trip or the summer trip… 

But if I don’t write about these things… What should I write about?

If I don’t always have goals or something to complain or wine.. what do I put my effort into..? What do I fix? What do I improve?

See, this is a fucked up pattern I used to have, and I can see it now in all of its ugliness: there is the assumption that I am broken, if I have something to fix… right? Wrong!!! So wrong!!!

It is possible to want to grow without being broken. Growth is natural. Change is inevitable. Evolution is for the strongest. 

Ok, so I am strong and I am in sync with life. I grow, I change, I evolve.

I still do the same things. Exercise, write, photography, kids, relationship but I do all of these from a different space. Not that I am broken, but because I am life. Whoa!!!…. that sounds so…. Big… unbelievable… Its so easy to associate myself with broken, missing…but weird to see myself as big and as complex as with life itself..

I am life. 

It took me a year to conquer my resistance… to make a score board.. to keep up with exercise and reading.. to meditate daily, even if its only 10 min… it makes such a difference.

I actually look forward to exercise now. Especially now that I do it at home. Because I have the space and the privacy to follow my body in what it wants to do and how it wants to express itself… 

To start slowly, warming up.. lift weights, pull resistance cords..

Such a good metaphor with the resistance cords: no matter how hard I pull, it will always come back to its original shape and form. And it is difficult, and it has to be difficult, otherwise the muscle fibre wont break so it can grow into stronger one so the whole muscle is bigger. You need a certain amount of difficulty to grow. Which comes with pain.

Everything in moderation though I learn. Too much pain and it wont be enjoyable or the recuperation will last longer. 

So I have to seek out difficulty and make friends with a moderate amount of pain and uncomfortable feelings if I want to stay on this path.

GOOOODDDD!!!! SUCH A BIG RELIEF AND INSIGHT!!!!

Oana Voda
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