Its barely 11 am in the morning and I am having wine and cookies. And I write. And I woke up early as usual. And I meditated. Even if I didn’t feel like it. And I read. And I cried. Because I keep digging out all this crappy beliefs I have about life.
Huge ones to day: I am ashamed with and of myself and I cant shine bright like a diamond because the Universe is going to punish me if I am too happy, too well, too much enjoying life.
I wont write about the whole process which was deeply emotional and lengthy, I will leave here the replacements for those bad skeletons: I am so incredible proud of myself and of my roots and the fact that I had the privilege of struggle and communism and lack of pretty much a lot. Despite all of that, I am a ray of sun. I like that.
I think I should drink more wine more often.
Yesterday I had a whole carafe with Nela in between pizzas and walks in the park. Then he drove me home and I started to dance in my living room with really loud music. I let go so much and we were both being silly and wild and childish and reaalyyy lots of fun. I was really excited and really free. Such a loose night.
I crave being loose and wild and free again. Being natural and easy going and really smooth and aligned with life itself. I became too rigid, to much with rules, too serious. I always had the rays of sun inside of me, I always had a certain flow of warmth and energy inside and outside of myself. I was and am so capable of being in the state of flow with life itself. How do I remember to flow with life more often?
Being with myself, asking questions of myself and the Universe is so rewarding, so fulfilling… I think and I feel its because I get to express more of myself and my potential.
I just love the subtleties of working out, moving on the mat, skiing, writing, reading…. All of these I do them slowly so I can catch on these subtleties.. so I can observe them, ride them, do them again and again and again, improving each time, testing each move, each word, each breath.. how it affects me and the entire movement or system, observing the impact it has on me mentally, emotionally and physically, noticing how the environment is impacting my whole system… I am really fascinated and I truly enjoy every minute of moving, skiing, crying… wow… I think I am ok with the uncomfortable now. I think I will love it soon. Because it makes me grow so fucking much and I just love my self so much more with every inch I grow.
I am gonna go move on the mat, dance and follow my breath and I am gonna let the body do me. Do the moves, do the breathing, do the work. And I will just patiently observe all of it. Savour it. Savour the good, the bad and the ugly. All of it.
Wine its working!!! Goal: learn to let go without wine. Question: body, heart and soul – how do I remember to practice this ∞ on and on and on?