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Here comes the sun (for a second, good enough)

February 13, 2019

This book – Happier is about changing perception of certain things so I (or you) can be happier. Like my life on micro level – daily things that I do.. which are entirely exactly I want to do, not what I have to do. I don’t have to work for a living, I get to create my life. 

I am still not 100% aware and conscious of this, therefore my winy little voice that ruins my mood a lot of the days saying.. I don’t know what to do, I have no this or that. The truth is I have no social life because I chose to part ways with people who don’t bring any added value to my life. 

I dont go out because I spend money, energy, time and effort and I have no valuable return. I prefer to wake up early and read and write. This way I have more meaning in my life. 

It turns out I have a prejudice perception about myself and my life. 

I may not be happy with struggling to become a better writer or better reader or better video photographer but I certainly would not do anything else. Like be the assistant of a no name actor on a movie set. I may do it for the experience of it, temporary only. 

And my habits of reading and exercising and meditating and having this routine with the kids is so deeply ingrained that any transition would cause me anxiousness and questions to why do it. 

And the truth is I wanted this life. I worked hard to create it. 

And now I poup on it, craving for something else.

I need to learn and I need to remember not to believe each thought I have. 

I have the freedom to choose anything else. I choose to have this life actually. Do I really? (pausing to reflect)

I would want to be out there having an adventurous life but I would feel tremendously guilty and with tones of regret for not being around with my boys growing up. 

It would be really nice to remember this as they drive me insane with their hormones every single day. 

It is not easy. But it is what I wanted and still choose. 

2 more years. Top 4 probably. 

Remember this Oana. I cry as I type this. I wish I could choose or do something else. But I would go against my core self as woman and motherhood. Is this an excuse?? I truly don’t think so. 

Cuddling with Noah still (because he still accepts me) is the sweetest thing in the morning. 

Seeing Jesse all grown up and in love and wild is both terrific, wild and exhausting. 

Why the fuck am I crying?

Woke up in the middle of the night and I could go back to sleep with worry and calculating … money and time and how do I do it all… kids vacation, me alone time.. 

As much as it is challenging and I feel I am struggling … I am aware this is the way … either way you choose it…

There is this hardship that is part of life and it makes it worth it even though it sounds crazy.

And its my old ideas and perceptions about how life should be.. or a relationship or motherhood… I learn by doing…

So soon it makes sense I learn finances by doing…

Please homeostasis be a bit kinder and please give me a break.

Let me change this old ways and accept and embrace hardships, routine and challenges as part of my amazing life. A life that I never compromised with a wrong guy or a meaningless job.

The truth is I lived exactly how I wanted and my ex husband  left because I wouldn’t compromise on my never ending search for a meaningful life (which came with a lot of restlessness). And sometimes I am falling or drowning or struggling to stay on my path …but I rather give up on people than give up on me.

And I never never gave myself up. I was down, depressed, lost, confused, angry, moody. But I always got up. ALWAYS. 

I am proud of myself. I am more than enough for myself. As a matter of fact there is so much of me that I don’t even have time to entertain and discover and nurture.  

God it feels so good to have your own approval and your own back.

I am always gonna be ok and I am always going to be too much. Too much even for me. And I can see all the advantages of it.

(the light in moments like this make me last through the darkness of my own mind)

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