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The road to success is not that glamorous

February 11, 2019

I havent done anyhting today and yet i never really sat still.

Wish I had an emoji so I can express my annoyance. 

So, I am up since 6,30 and I managed to meditate, visualise, do a class of spinning, grocery shopping and get a 10 min fake tan. Take and bring the kids to and from school. 

And checked some prices to rent a car in Malaga. Ask a quotation for a boat in Greece end of the summer. 

30 min conversation in the locker room at the gym. My last day at the gym. My membership expired and since we are off skiing and hopefully I am off to Cuba in March….there is no point in paying. I think its time for a new chapter. Alexandreea was a chapter in my life. I think its time I move on. For now I will not do anything and I will be exercising at home. 

Its tough. Or maybe not tough but I realise I am resistant to change. Any kind of change. 

If something breaks in the house and I need to call in someone… it makes my stomach grinch (what the fuck is the word for that?)

I dont like it when things change. And this is the status quo of life: change. Everything changes all the time. And I just hate it. And I need and I must change this attitude. I want to crave change. I don’t want to have this sinking feeling inside of me every fucking time something changes.

I hate to be alone, or better I think is to say I prefer company. 

I have a sinking feeling in my stomach to go away in a vacation just me and my boys in the summer. Knowing Papou and Yaya will come (their grandparents) kinda makes it better.

I have to learn how to sit with the uncomfortable. With the boys wining and complaining and arguing and fighting me each step of the way. 

I really have to learn this. Or else I am going insane. 

Its very lonely and hard to raise kids by yourself even if their dad is taking them every one week. 

I feel I get tired so easy. My level of doing stuff is low I guess. 

I want to be even more active. And I was just writing … I am up since 6,30 and I didn’t sit and I didn’t do what I wanted to do… I am jus not efficient. 

Of and uf and auch… when will I ever be enough???

Most of the moments in life are not really glamorous or shiny. How do I remember this?

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